{"id":1421,"date":"2020-05-06T13:27:15","date_gmt":"2020-05-06T20:27:15","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.hillbrook.us\/voices\/?p=1421"},"modified":"2020-07-13T16:59:04","modified_gmt":"2020-07-13T23:59:04","slug":"staying-at-home-being-our-best","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.hillbrook.us\/voices\/2020\/05\/staying-at-home-being-our-best\/","title":{"rendered":"Staying at Home &#038; Being Our Best: Supporting Children During Quarantine"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>By Colleen Schilly, Associate Head of School with resources from Maureen Casey, Hillbrook School Counselor<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-large\"><img data-recalc-dims=\"1\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"760\" height=\"756\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.hillbrook.us\/voices\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/05\/Screen-Shot-2020-05-06-at-5.38.04-PM.png?resize=760%2C756&#038;ssl=1\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-1426\" srcset=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.hillbrook.us\/voices\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/05\/Screen-Shot-2020-05-06-at-5.38.04-PM.png?w=860 860w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.hillbrook.us\/voices\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/05\/Screen-Shot-2020-05-06-at-5.38.04-PM.png?resize=300%2C300 300w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.hillbrook.us\/voices\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/05\/Screen-Shot-2020-05-06-at-5.38.04-PM.png?resize=150%2C150 150w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.hillbrook.us\/voices\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/05\/Screen-Shot-2020-05-06-at-5.38.04-PM.png?resize=768%2C764 768w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 760px) 100vw, 760px\" \/><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p>On Tuesday, April 28, Hillbrook\u2019s School Counselor, Maureen Casey, shared her expertise via a virtual gathering and created space for Hillbrook families to discuss strategies for staying at home and being our best. <a href=\"https:\/\/docs.google.com\/presentation\/d\/1ofGb3i5z4-EiEf-0gm8zC6xqDYu1upiqkZomaDNEmf8\/preview?slide=id.p\">The slide deck for the event is accessible here<\/a>, and what follows are notes from Maureen\u2019s presentation, as well as incredibly valuable suggestions and insights from our attendees.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>What do we know about staying at home?<\/strong><br>Staying at home has enormous challenges, and as the weeks progress, the nature of those challenges has changed. Trying to stay on top of all the various news items and advances in the situation can feel like whiplash. What we know is that we are all doing this for the first time. Nobody is an expert in this&#8230;yet! We know that having some semblance of a schedule or routine can help everyone channel their energy in positive ways. It is also a good time for you to slow down a bit. Don\u2019t miss the opportunity to scan and reflect on what\u2019s going on for you, your immediate family, and your extended circle of loved ones. Make sacred the space and time to be together purposefully.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Emotions are all over the place and sometimes amplified. You may see yourself or someone else in your home (child or adult) express a big emotional response that doesn\u2019t seem to match the situation. This is really normal in times of stress with lack of control. Children are experts on their parents and will take their cues from you. Even if you think you are masking your emotion, children can often pick up on your subtler signals. Consider what you need to help feel your best so that you can create a steady environment for children. Find ways to discuss the more analytical, practical side of the virus and stay-home orders with other adults in places and ways when it is not possible for children to overhear. While they know and learn a lot from listening to adults, they lack the experience necessary to put these conversations in perspective and do not benefit from these conversations the way adults do.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>We know that the most important thing right now is relationships. The fact that you are present at home for your children is the very best thing for them. Children\u2019s attachment to you as their parent is the most important relationship they have in their life\u2014you are the person\/people they need the most! Nurturing your own meaningful adult relationships is also important right now; make time for that in whatever way you can.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>What do we know about children?<\/strong>&nbsp;<br>At most ages, children are still trying to match the right words to the feelings that they are having right now. Supporting their developing \u201cfeelings vocabulary\u201d is a key role that you can play in their lives. Children may express feelings verbally, through imaginary play, or through behavior. You may feel surprised or concerned right now to hear children process ideas about sickness, death, scariness or intrusion in their play. But having a chance to put their emotions out of their bodies through play is a healthy practice that is critical for their development. Allowing them to hand their feelings to you is also a positive way for them to process big emotions. It is normal to see some regression in your children (tantrums, crying, inability to do something routine independently, etc.). In fact, at times, <em>you<\/em> may even feel these unpredictable or outsized responses to situations. Support your child in finding concrete ways to manage big feelings. You can model this for them by taking time to draw, move, sing, read, and also by naming your emotions and strategies, like: \u201c<em>I\u2019m feeling frustrated that things aren\u2019t going like I planned today. I\u2019m going to take 15 minutes and sit outside in the sunshine. I know it will help me feel better.\u201d<\/em> When you do this, you normalize that big feelings are an experience that everyone has, and you model how familiar actions can help you move through those big feelings. Children thrive on examples they can follow; it\u2019s how they learn best!&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Children are bound to ask questions during this stay at home period. Keep conversations age appropriate. Listen to what they are actually asking, use their words, and remember to interpret it at\/for their age level. As you consider your response, remember these components:&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>Acknowledge the emotion:<em> \u201cIt sounds like you might be feeling ______. I understand that feeling and I feel it sometimes too.\u201d<\/em><\/li><li>Be honest. This doesn\u2019t mean you need to give them more information than is age appropriate, but what you do say should be truthful. Like, \u201c<em>We don\u2019t know right now when we\u2019ll be able to go to grandma\u2019s and that can feel ____. Should we make a card we can send to her?<\/em>\u201d<\/li><li>Empower your child with a coping strategy and help them transition from fear, sadness, frustration or disappointment to a plan. <em>\u201cSometimes when I\u2019m feeling _____, what helps me is _____ or _____. What do you sometimes do to help yourself feel better? What should we try?\u201d<\/em>&nbsp; By doing this, you replace their lack of control (which a big feeling can often give us) with a concrete response and teach them important skills that will reduce anxiety and promote confidence in future challenging situations. We can\u2019t always control circumstances, but we can control our own actions and behaviors.&nbsp;<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>Sensory input is a huge way to ground all of us. If things are feeling \u201cjagged,\u201d consider how to incorporate your child\u2019s various senses to help ground them (or yourself): bake cookies, listen to birds, take a short walk, step outside and play I Spy, or make a \u201c<a href=\"https:\/\/www.amazon.com\/gofindit-Outdoor-Nature-Scavenger-Families\/dp\/B00XKO5RPQ\">Go Find It!<\/a>\u201d deck and play together.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Refusal is definitely a way children tell us they are feeling out of control and need some structure and help. Sometimes students also don\u2019t want to do things at school. This is very typical during a child\u2019s development, and will be more common now when there is so much change to routines. Here are some of the ideas we might consider at school when observing resistance to a task. These range from accommodations to modifications of the task and center on making getting started easier:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li><strong>Make it social: <\/strong>whether that\u2019s something like \u201cteach the lesson to your pet or sibling\u201d or \u201cbrainstorming together\u201d with a parent, or friend on the phone to make it more appealing.&nbsp;<\/li><li><strong>Lower the threshold to starting:<\/strong> even \u201ctry this for just two minutes,\u201d giving them a physical timer they can manipulate to see the start and end. Maybe they choose \u201cWhat\u2019s a good number of minutes you\u2019re going to try this on your own?\u201d Lowering the threshold to start can also be accomplished by having something special to look forward to next, or a special place or tool to work with. At school, we pay attention to designing \u201csoft transitions,\u201d when the activity and mode of participation that precedes one task thoughtfully segues to the next. If you\u2019re coming in hot from playing outside at recess, it\u2019s hard to sit right down for independent math practice. A softer transition might be to play outside, then snack and draw inside, or listen to some reading before an independent practice task. Even better if your child knows what to expect next and these activities are part of a routine! Visual schedules help young children anticipate what\u2019s next.<\/li><li><strong>Identify the obstacle and consider tradeoffs:<\/strong> What is the thing that\u2019s \u201cyuckiest\u201d about the task for the child? If it\u2019s a writing activity, where\u2019s the worst part? Teachers observe for patterns in resistance and also ask children questions about the task to try and figure out where the sticking point is. Maybe a child can generate a lot of ideas, but doesn\u2019t like the work of writing them down in paragraphs, or maybe they don\u2019t mind hand-writing but they hate getting started with brainstorming. Or maybe they would be willing to write their story, if they could pick which adult would read it. At school, we sometimes help children design trade-offs in the activity, breaking it into smaller parts or chunks and letting go of the pieces that seem less critical to the learning target. If it\u2019s about writing a story with beginning, middle and end, but handwriting is the hold-up, maybe for now the child draws the story as a timeline or comic, with pictures and just a few words.&nbsp;<\/li><li><strong>Include choice: <\/strong>Choice gives children agency and control. It can be especially helpful in empowering them to feel in charge of themselves and their world when they are feeling powerless. The choices don\u2019t have to be complex; even simple choices often help get started. (Examples: \u201cToday you need to do two SeeSaw assignments. Which two would you like to do?\u201d Or, \u201cToday your bed needs to be made. Will you make it after breakfast or after lunch?\u201d Or, \u201cWhen you finish your reading, then we can take a walk. Who would you like to walk with today?\u201d) You can separate tasks into categories for your child to choose from: a \u201chave to\u201d set of choices and a \u201cwant to\u201d set of choices. This provides children with a wide menu of options, but reinforces the expectation that there are some tasks we have to do to take care of our bodies, brains, and our family unit.&nbsp;<\/li><li><strong>Find the things to celebrate: <\/strong>Instead of focusing on the things your child isn\u2019t accomplishing (which can begin to feel overwhelming to them and to you) celebrate the things that are going well (the made bed! The cleaned up lunch plate! The quiet reading time!). There are things that are working, and it can be easy to lose sight of those. Your child needs to know you see those things too!&nbsp;<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>How can you make your home a haven?<\/strong><br>As the adults in your house, you can make your home a haven for everybody. It all starts with you. When you wake up in the morning, before you get out of bed, and before you check your cell phone: take a deep breath (or a few of them!). Adjust your expectations. Feel grateful for something or someone. If you are someone who is used to effectively controlling and managing your situation, professionally and\/or personally, this time may feel particularly disarming. It\u2019s tempting to think that because everyone is in the same place things might be easier to manage. It\u2019s not! We\u2019re all pioneers in an unprecedented situation and cannot expect ourselves to rise to all the needs in our homes all the time. Let go of the need to rate your performance. (\u201cI feel bad I\u2019ve just let my kid be on devices!\u201d) It\u2019s okay. Instead, consider for yourself and your family: what is the <em>most<\/em> important thing? It might be that you need to attend to responsibilities and meetings for your work; that means adjusting your expectations for other elements of your day and your child\u2019s day. We can\u2019t do everything we did before while all being together in our houses at the same time. It\u2019s okay to let some of these things go.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>If you can, give everyone a dedicated place in the house to work or to be alone. This needn\u2019t be an entire room; it can be a table, a comfy stool at a counter, or a shady spot outside. Notice and identify what each family member needs in what amounts (alone time, play time, family time, &amp; purposeful work time). Help each other design the spaces to fill those needs.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Finally, these days are both hard and joyous. When you get to the end of the day find ways to applaud it and celebrate all that you, and your family, <em>did <\/em>accomplish. What felt like an accomplishment for others may surprise you. Fall back on empathy, respecting somebody else\u2019s point of view (even if they are the littlest person in the house), and remember that smiles and humor go a long way!<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Wisdom from Attendees<\/strong><br>What follows are some quotes that include suggestions and insights from parents of children of all ages. There is so much to learn from one another as we all gain our footing!&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<blockquote class=\"wp-block-quote is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow\"><p><em>\u201cI remember reading that one of the paths to happiness involves focusing on one thing at a time. I didn\u2019t think about it too much at the time, but I\u2019ve noticed that the times I end up most frustrated are when I\u2019m supposed to be doing one thing (being with my kids) and I\u2019m also trying to do another (work email)&#8230;. or vice versa. Giving things my full attention has been a really helpful shift for me. I like the phrase \u2018applauding the day.\u2019 Without the clear delineation between \u201cwork is over\u201d by driving home, I\u2019ve found it important to have something to look forward to at the end of the day to create that separation from one focus to another. We\u2019ve been leaning hard into the family dinners and this has felt fun, celebratory, and like an important \u2018ritual\u2019 for our family to mark the end of each day.\u201d&nbsp;<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n<blockquote class=\"wp-block-quote is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow\"><p><em>\u201cCreating a designated space for my own work that is separate from the kids\u2019 spaces is really helpful for focusing on one thing, and because it separates you from the space where your kids are working, it also builds independence in them as well.\u201d&nbsp;<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n<blockquote class=\"wp-block-quote is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow\"><p><em>\u201cI\u2019ve been trying to figure out how to name the things that I\u2019m feeling, and finally recognizing that it was \u2018grief\u2019 was really helpful. There is a podcast where Bren\u00e9 Brown was interviewing David Kessler about grief (<\/em><a href=\"https:\/\/brenebrown.com\/podcast\/david-kessler-and-brene-on-grief-and-finding-meaning\/\"><em>listen here<\/em><\/a><em>), and it gave me insight into what I\u2019ve been experiencing and feeling. The phrase \u2018If I can name it, I can tame it\u2019 has helped me label what I\u2019m feeling &#8211; and I now feel like I\u2019m coming out on the other side. I\u2019ve been carving out time and putting up boundaries for kids to show them that I am also giving myself time to do what I need.\u201d<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n<blockquote class=\"wp-block-quote is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow\"><p><em>\u201cI\u2019ve found that my kids respond well to novel experiences (even really small ones) that we can order or create that give them something to look forward to. We\u2019ve been getting materials and they make things to play with together. You can order maker kits online for different ages. That\u2019s working well for them to feel like something is exciting.\u201d<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n<blockquote class=\"wp-block-quote is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow\"><p><em>\u201cMy youngest child really likes to help out around the house, and my older child is really refusing to do chores and certain kinds of school work. While it\u2019s frustrating, I\u2019ve been trying to come at it with a bit of empathy as it seems like it might be one of the ways he is trying to regain control over his world which has definitely been turned upside down with the stay-at-home order.\u201d<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n<p>As we all navigate this journey as a school and community, we hope these resources are helpful (and hope-filled) as we navigate our current shelter-in-place and the weeks ahead. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>By Colleen Schilly, Associate Head of School with resources from Maureen Casey, Hillbrook School Counselor On Tuesday, April 28, Hillbrook\u2019s School Counselor, Maureen Casey, shared &hellip;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"nf_dc_page":"","content-type":"","_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[34],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1421","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-parent-education"],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.hillbrook.us\/voices\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1421","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.hillbrook.us\/voices\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.hillbrook.us\/voices\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.hillbrook.us\/voices\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.hillbrook.us\/voices\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1421"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"http:\/\/www.hillbrook.us\/voices\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1421\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1493,"href":"http:\/\/www.hillbrook.us\/voices\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1421\/revisions\/1493"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.hillbrook.us\/voices\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1421"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.hillbrook.us\/voices\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1421"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.hillbrook.us\/voices\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1421"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}