By Head of School Mark Silver, originally posted on ReMarks & Reflections
I vividly remember my first day of second grade. My family had moved across town the previous summer, and so I was enrolled at a new school. I stepped off the bus that morning and was shepherded by several adults into my classroom. Upon entering, I walked among the rows of desks until I found a place and sat down. I nervously looked around at the other students. They were talking and socializing amongst themselves, while I sat quietly, watching. The bell rang, signaling the start of school, and others settled into desks.
The teacher, Mrs. Lacey, stood in front of the room and started taking attendance. She read out each person’s name. As children responded, I realized they were saying more than just, “Here.” Different children were saying their name and then something else. What were they saying? My heart started to race a bit and I started to panic. I couldn’t focus as I realized she was getting closer to my name and I would have to say something. But what? She got to my name and called out, “David Silver.” Ugh, even worse. From a very early age, I had gone by Mark, but my legal name was – and still is – David, so teachers would always call out David on the first day of school. Should I correct her? And, I was still wondering, what else am I supposed to say? I felt my face heating up and turning bright red. What should I do? At a complete loss, I stood and walked to the front of the room. My heart was pounding and tears were starting to form in my eyes as I stood in front of Mrs. Lacey. She looked at me, smiled, and put her arm around my shoulder – “Oh, dear, how can I help you?”
Every year, as I prepare for the first day of school, I think about that moment. I think about the many new children and families entering our community and I try to remind myself of the rituals, behaviors, and terminology that are a second language to those of us who have been here for awhile, but which may appear completely unclear to someone new to the school. As a second grader at my new school more than forty years ago, I discovered upon talking with Mrs. Lacey that I simply needed to answer the question – would you like milk and/or hot lunch? And, she assured me, she was happy to call me Mark. At Hillbrook, I imagine it is a myriad of things, including how do I find my bus stop? How do we drive through carpool? Who will greet me when I arrive at school? What is Flag? What do I do if they call my name for my birthday at Flag? How do I order lunch? What do I do if I am late? What is the Scott Center for Social Entrepreneurship? Who are resident teachers and what do they do? What is the Village of Friendly Relations and how do I get there?
All of these things have relatively straightforward answers and we strive to answer them for children and families before the first day of school. And, yet, I have no doubt that as hard as we try, there will be children and families who do not know exactly what to do at some point during the first days or weeks of the year. It’s also worth recognizing that ALL of us are making transitions on this first day, and that each child and adult is learning new rituals and creating new connections even if they have been at Hillbrook for many years. Some of those transitions, like crossing the bridge and moving from Lower School to Middle School, are widely recognized on campus, while others, like the shift from the JK-2 playground to the 3/4 play area for 3rd graders, may be less noticed but no less significant. Indeed, almost every year I have a conversation with a few 3rd graders several weeks into the school year where at least one of them remarks on how they have finally figured out how to play in their new area.
The point is not simply to get better at preemptively resolving every situation that might arise with a child or family during the first few days and weeks of school. We need to recognize that underneath the confusion and anxiety of any one specific moment or experience is a more fundamental truth – transitions are complex and they generate all types of emotional reactions. Over the course of the next few weeks, each of us – children and adults – will experience a range of feelings. In the good moments, we will feel some combination of excited, joyful, surprised, engaged, assured, grateful, hopeful, and connected. When it gets hard, we also may feel frustrated, insecure, confused, vulnerable, unhappy, and overwhelmed. And, since we are talking about children, it is important to remember that children may feel these emotions more intensely and more unpredictably than adults.
Clearly, children – and adults! – will be on a bit of a roller coaster ride these next few weeks, as they adjust to the rhythm of school. A few things that are worth keeping in mind:
- Work with your child to establish routines. Creating and then sticking with routines around bedtime and mornings can go a long way to ensuring a sense of control and predictability. Laying out a clean uniform the night before as part of a bedtime routine, for example, can avoid the panic and anxiety that happens when you can’t find a clean shirt in the morning. Particularly with older children, I would encourage you to invite them to help you design these routines. AND, just as importantly, be quick to forgive your child and yourself if it is harder to establish and stick with those routines than you would like.
- Expect big emotional reactions. Outsized reactions to little things (“I can’t find my shoes!”) or meltdowns after school (“I had the worst day ever. No one likes me”) are natural at this time of year. School days are long and children work hard to be on their best behavior for their teachers and their peers throughout the day. They know their parents will love them unconditionally, and, subconsciously, they understand that and recognize that home is a safe place to fall apart.
- During moments with big emotional reactions, try to avoid the temptation to ride the roller coaster with your child. Be empathetic and hold the space (and, sometimes, them), while trying not to jump in and solve the problem for them. Children often need time to vent, and then they are ready to move on.
- Be kind to yourself. Transitions are not just happening for children, they are happening for us as adults too. Recognize that you are having a wide range of feelings and realize that you are likely to have moments where your emotions lead you to your own “irrational” reactions. While you are undoubtedly feeling excitement for your child’s start of the school year, remember that those feelings are often coupled with a sense of loss as you see them go to school for the first time, cross the bridge into Middle School, or come for their final first day at Hillbrook as an 8th grader.
More than anything, I ask all of us to be patient with each other and with the children. Look out for each other and be quick to reach out and offer to help. I will always remember Mrs. Lacey who, in that first moment of 2nd grade, earned my love forever. She saw me, acknowledged my confusion and fear, and quickly helped me realize everything would be okay. Her class was one of my favorite classes in elementary school. I look forward to greeting everyone next Wednesday at our first Flag of the year, and I eagerly anticipate the year ahead. I know that through the ups and downs of the first few weeks, we will all find our footing. And during those moments where we start to slip, I am confident that there will be many people around us to catch us if we fall.